"Do no harm."

As a Business major, and as someone who just doesn't exactly like the whole mathematical-black and white-scientific way of thinking, from time to time I find myself taking pieces of information said in class that relate to business and relating them to other things instead. Like, the English major that I was going to be originally. (Just not as lucrative, ya know?)

In my Management Information Systems class the other day, my Professor brought up the motto and policy of Google. He said that it's very simple and incredibly universal-- "Do no harm."

(Upon further research, I see that it is also stated as "Don't be evil." But, you know, same thing. "Do no harm" has a better ring.)

"Do no harm."

So straight-forward. So simple. Yet, so applicable to not only running a company, but also an excellent motto to run your whole life on---- "Do no harm."

I haven't been able to get it out of my head and it has made me reflect upon my own life and the way that I lead it. With the exception of needing to recycle a little more and the fact that I probably yell at Jason for leaving his socks on the floor too much, for the most part, I don't do harm to the world around me. (I might do a little harm to my body, but hey-- pizza is delicious and wine has grapes in it and okay, whatever, it's part of my New Year's resolution to treat my body better. I'm workin' on it.)

It's so important to stay focused on your path and to be kind to those around you along the way. It's also really important, and also, in my humble opinion-- really overlooked, to be kind to yourself as well. As soon as you start doing harm-- to yourself, to your friends or family, to the stranger on the road who cut you off and you cursed out-- it impacts your life in a negative way. It causes you to feel just slightly more introverted, just slightly more resentful, just slightly more self-centered.

"Do no harm."

Live with grace. Take the high road, no matter how much it sucks sometimes. Read a book before bed instead of watching TV every once in a while. Go on a hike. Breathe. Smile. Listen to some music.

Life is hard, you know. Sometimes you're walking around, happy as a clam, dancing to that new Bruno Mars song and BAM--- life smacks you dead in the face. It hurts. You're stunned for a moment, knowing you're about to feel the sting, but not quite able to process what just happened. And then it comes. The sting.

Life stings, sometimes.

Life has stung for me since about midnight on New Year's Eve. On the Eve of the year that I am going to finish college. On the Eve of the year that I am going to get married. And life was all like, BAM--- no more dancing for you. Nope. You're going to spend midnight on the floor of your bathroom having a panic attack and breaking out in hives.

I'm nearly 25 years old and I'm realizing that as much as I've learned in my life, there's always going to be certain things that I just don't understand. There's always going to be obstacles. There's always going to be something there making you stronger, no matter how many times you tell that something that you're as strong as you want to be, dammit. This past week, I've been dealing with one of the hardest stings of my life. And I'm still dealing with it. I'm still anxious. Still unsure. Still lathering myself in lavender oil every night before bed, praying for some sleep. Still not quite standing strong on my own two feet.

And then I go to class and my Professor tells us this motto.

"Do no harm."

There's things happening in my life right now that I just can't possibly control. I won't ever be able to. There's things that make me anxious, make me cringe every time my phone goes off... but there's one thing I can do.

I can do no harm.

You can never go home again.

I'm sure you have heard this phrase before... "You can never go home again." I always personally thought that I knew what it meant, but as it turns out, up until last week- I really didn't.

After 4 months of living out in the "real world" and away from the home I was born and raised in, I finally went back to visit. Just the idea that I now have to go home to visit is still such a strange concept to wrap my head around. Now, I was obviously overwhelmed with excitement to be reunited with my friends, family and, of course, my puppies. But, I was also anticipating the weirdness that was sure to go along with it. I knew that it wouldn't be the same, especially without my handsome future hubby there with me.

What I didn't anticipate, however, was how hard it was going to be to say goodbye to him; even if only for a week. When I was getting out of the car at the departures terminal of the airport and receiving one final hug and kiss, I couldn't even attempt to stop the overflow of heart-wrenching tears that ensued. Yes, it was only going to be 7 days and 7 nights apart. I told myself this (not to mention how embarrassingly pathetic I was behaving) repeatedly. Although, in this moment (and many to follow), I simply didn't care. We had been through so much together in the those short 4 months that being apart would mean I would have to basically spend the next week feeling like I was missing a limb.

In addition, I've always hated flying. Especially by myself. I spent the entire flight trying to force away my anxiety with my mind; going in and out of feeling sad to have parted with my other half, followed by feeling overjoyed to get to see my mom in less than 6 hours. Talk about an emotional roller coaster.

My mom picked me up from the airport with both of my furry little Shih-Tzus awaiting me in the front seat. While they were excited to see me, they didn't try to hide the fact that were also a little pissed at me- the bitch who left them. Understandable, but nonetheless somewhat heartbreaking. When your dog, the one who has always jumped up and down at the sight of you instead is giving you the side-eye, you'll know what I mean.

The moment we pulled into my drive and I stepped foot into the last place I called home before I decided to "become an adult" or whatever, my heart sank to my stomach. It looked so much smaller. My mom told me to, "Hold on! Wait here!" before walking into my old room. After waiting a few seconds, she told me to come in and then shouted, "Ta-da!"

She had completely redone my old room. New paint, new bedspread, new art on the walls, candles everywhere, and the furniture completely rearranged. It was beautiful, I actually couldn't help but wonder why I had never done it that way myself, but it also made me a little sad. It wasn't really my room anymore.

I was afraid that my first night away from Jason would be tough, but after celebratory champagne and In N Out with my mom and my best friend (also considering the fact that it was about 4 AM East Coast time), I fell into a deep sleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.

The days that followed went by in a blur. I expected that to happen though, for it go by far too quickly. I spent time with my grandparents, my aunt and uncle, my baby cousin, my dad, my friends, and mostly my mom. I got to do my favorite "California things" like go to Newport Beach, go to an Angel's game, drive up to the mountains, go shopping, lay by the pool, eat Mexican food, and so on... While I was busy with all of those activities, I was also blessed with plenty of downtime as well. Time to just sit and talk for hours on end with the people I'm closest to. I learned how healing and grounding it is to be able to let your guard down and just be close to those who matter most to you. I never realized how grateful I am for such a crazy and close family until I had to live without them.

My last night home, before I had to wake up at 3 AM to go back to the airport, hit me like a ton of bricks. One minute I was sitting in my kitchen, drinking wine, laughing at something silly with my best friend and my mom, and the very next I was openly sobbing into my wine glass. My dog, Honey Bunny, crawled into my lap and stayed there, kissing my tears away, for over an hour.

Moving away from everyone and everything you've ever known is not at all for the faint of heart. It does, however, make you appreciate your loved ones more than you thought possible. It allows you to feel small (in a good way) because maybe for the first time in your life you understand how big this world really is. And while leaving home the second time was surprisingly harder than the first, simply knowing that when my big adventure is over, I'll have a home to go back to... Well, that just makes it all the more worthwhile.

Oh and my new fiancé picking me up from the airport with a dozen pink roses didn't really suck either.