"Do no harm."

As a Business major, and as someone who just doesn't exactly like the whole mathematical-black and white-scientific way of thinking, from time to time I find myself taking pieces of information said in class that relate to business and relating them to other things instead. Like, the English major that I was going to be originally. (Just not as lucrative, ya know?)

In my Management Information Systems class the other day, my Professor brought up the motto and policy of Google. He said that it's very simple and incredibly universal-- "Do no harm."

(Upon further research, I see that it is also stated as "Don't be evil." But, you know, same thing. "Do no harm" has a better ring.)

"Do no harm."

So straight-forward. So simple. Yet, so applicable to not only running a company, but also an excellent motto to run your whole life on---- "Do no harm."

I haven't been able to get it out of my head and it has made me reflect upon my own life and the way that I lead it. With the exception of needing to recycle a little more and the fact that I probably yell at Jason for leaving his socks on the floor too much, for the most part, I don't do harm to the world around me. (I might do a little harm to my body, but hey-- pizza is delicious and wine has grapes in it and okay, whatever, it's part of my New Year's resolution to treat my body better. I'm workin' on it.)

It's so important to stay focused on your path and to be kind to those around you along the way. It's also really important, and also, in my humble opinion-- really overlooked, to be kind to yourself as well. As soon as you start doing harm-- to yourself, to your friends or family, to the stranger on the road who cut you off and you cursed out-- it impacts your life in a negative way. It causes you to feel just slightly more introverted, just slightly more resentful, just slightly more self-centered.

"Do no harm."

Live with grace. Take the high road, no matter how much it sucks sometimes. Read a book before bed instead of watching TV every once in a while. Go on a hike. Breathe. Smile. Listen to some music.

Life is hard, you know. Sometimes you're walking around, happy as a clam, dancing to that new Bruno Mars song and BAM--- life smacks you dead in the face. It hurts. You're stunned for a moment, knowing you're about to feel the sting, but not quite able to process what just happened. And then it comes. The sting.

Life stings, sometimes.

Life has stung for me since about midnight on New Year's Eve. On the Eve of the year that I am going to finish college. On the Eve of the year that I am going to get married. And life was all like, BAM--- no more dancing for you. Nope. You're going to spend midnight on the floor of your bathroom having a panic attack and breaking out in hives.

I'm nearly 25 years old and I'm realizing that as much as I've learned in my life, there's always going to be certain things that I just don't understand. There's always going to be obstacles. There's always going to be something there making you stronger, no matter how many times you tell that something that you're as strong as you want to be, dammit. This past week, I've been dealing with one of the hardest stings of my life. And I'm still dealing with it. I'm still anxious. Still unsure. Still lathering myself in lavender oil every night before bed, praying for some sleep. Still not quite standing strong on my own two feet.

And then I go to class and my Professor tells us this motto.

"Do no harm."

There's things happening in my life right now that I just can't possibly control. I won't ever be able to. There's things that make me anxious, make me cringe every time my phone goes off... but there's one thing I can do.

I can do no harm.

Good enough.

Well, hello again. And let me begin this post by saying that I have absolutely no idea what I want to write about, I just know that I need to write.

Yesterday I applied to another scholarship and one of the questions I had to write an essay for asked who my role model is. It wanted me to detail why that person is my role model and how they will contribute to my future success. This is what I wrote:

I have many role models in my life: my mother, my grandfather, and my best friend. However, upon reading this question, the first person that came to mind is the one that I will get to call my husband in exactly one year. My fiancé Jason inspires me every single day and has done so since we began our journey together three years ago. He, like so many others, has endured far too much tragedy in his life. His father was in a serious accident that many said he would not walk away from when Jason was only a toddler and the man is a walking miracle to this day. Jason then lost his mother at the mere age of twelve years old. He could have let this break him. He could have let it consume him, as so many in his shoes would have. But he didn't. He was living on his own, working every day until midnight, playing on a championship hockey team, and going to high school at only seventeen. From there, he went on to college and spent the money left to him by his mother in a way that would better his future. He took eighteen units every semester, worked internships full-time every summer, and graduated in four years with his Bachelors in Engineering. He already had a job before graduation and has gotten two promotions in four years at one of the top manufacturing plastics companies in the country. In the face of all that he had been through, he didn't use it as an excuse to give up on life, but rather-- he used it fuel his success. I watch him get to do what he loves every single day and it's an inspiration. He is the most hard-working and determined person that I know, going into work early every day and leaving late every night. When I begin my career upon graduating, whatever that career may be, I hope to embody the same amount of hard work and determination that he always has and continues to.

When I read it to Jason last night, he thanked me, shook his head, and told me how strange it is to hear someone talk about him like that. He also said how much he loves the way that I write.

He said something else, though. He said something that made me realize not only is this man determined when it comes to his career, but he's also determined in that he's insistent upon finding ways to better ourselves. He sees things that I don't always see myself. He said that I write a lot differently than the way that I sometimes portray myself in my day-to-day life. "How so?" I asked, taken aback. He said, "You're very strong and sure of yourself when you write... (But you allow life to intimidate you at times.)" I was about to show him just how sure of myself I am with a snappy comeback when he continued, "You're going to do great things, babe," he said. "Really great things." 

It got me thinking... I was about to let his comment offend me when I realized that he's kind of right. Sure, I have my moments when I'm just as strong and sure of myself in my real life as I am in my writing, but I also have my moments when I fall short of that. It made me ask myself... Why? Why is it that when I sit down to write I seem to have all of my shit together, but when it comes to making my way through life I tend to second-guess myself?

Then I got to thinking that maybe we all are that way... We all have something about us that we're good at, something that makes us feel strong and sure of ourselves and confident. Writing, and even music, are two of those things for me. So then how do I take that feeling and transfer it into my every day life? How do I harbor the instincts I feel when I sit down to write something and use them for everything? 

For example, over the past couple of weeks I've been struggling a little bit with some personal things. No where near the kind of struggling I did going in and out of the city everyday for the past year; this struggling has been done from the comfort of my own home. However, through all of my struggling, I haven't felt inspired enough to sit down and write about it. Which is always, ironically, the thing that helps me through it the most.

I may be rambling at this point, so if you're still reading this... I applaud you. I guess I'm just learning more and more about myself lately than I have ever. 

The ebb and flow of life has gotten me down. Something happened that I can't stop thinking about and then I feel guilty for thinking about it and then I start thinking about it again and then I feel like I should be happier than I am because I'm so, so blessed and then I feel guilty about that and it's become this vicious cycle I'm trying so desperately to break...

And then I drink a glass of wine and the voices cease for a bit. (Okay, I'm kidding. Sort of.) 

But, seriously... why are we so hard on ourselves? As human beings, we tend to overthink every situation turning on ourselves with that ever-persistant inner voice that chides, "YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH." We do this instead of embracing the parts of ourselves that make us strong and sure and confident. 

I think it's time I focus on the parts of me that I love. The parts that make me feel good about myself. It's easy to blame hard things that we go through on others, but in reality-- we are our own worst enemy. That's the scary truth. A truth that needs to be told and retold and retold again every single day, no matter how hard it may be to hear it. 

So every time I hear that voice, I'm going to remember one thing... One very important thing.

I am good enough. And so are you.

Xoxo,

City Girl from Cali