What ever happened to connecting with each other?

For the past several months I have been going through something that I like to call a "soul-growth-spurt". Which is really just my fancy way of saying that I have been in the funk of all funks and my anxiety is at an all-time high. Sure, I have better days than others and therapy is something that has helped me tremendously since the start of this year, but I'm not exactly "healed" yet. My soul is still growing, learning, changing, and truth be told---driving me up a freaking wall.

Now, all of that is completely separate from my getting married in a little over two months, but the fact that I am also planning a wedding and having to deal with the personalities of 110+ people is not all that helpful in the anxiety department.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think all of us get at least somewhat offended when we wave at someone across the street and they don't wave back. Especially when we're young. That kind of thing haunts the shit out of us. Why doesn't that person like me? Did I do something wrong? Did I offend them? Well, with texting and the Internet and social media---that same concept has been amplified in today's society to an upmost extreme. And it sucks. And it isn't "okay".

If you text someone a "Hey, how are ya?" and they don't respond, that's one thing. If you ask them something that is pretty important, that's another. And if suddenly you find yourself texting/calling/messaging several people about several different things--all of which having a different level of "importance"--and none of those people respond to you, or worse---they are short and dismissive... You end up like me. Anxious. A little pissed off. And writing about it.

I get that we live in a world where we are both incredibly busy and glued to our phones at exactly the same time. Brushing our teeth and checking our Facebook accounts have become just as important as the other. Why then, I beg of you, is updating your Snapchat more important than responding to a friend or family member who has reached out to you? When did we start prioritizing what we ate for breakfast being on our Instagram Story before calling back a loved one who maybe just wants to say hello, or maybe has something important to talk about?

How the hell do you know? You didn't call back.

When someone reaches out to me, whether it be a matter big or small, I respond as quickly as I can. Because I was raised to believe that ignoring people completely is not all that polite. So when did ignoring people become the new norm in our world? What button got pushed in people's brains that now says, "I don't feel like responding to that person, so I'm just not going to..."?

Now, I'm sure there will be people reading this who say, "But I'm just bad at texting." Or, "I'm really busy all the time." Or, "Well, I respond in my head a lot and forget to actually text back." Or, "I meant to call that person back, but I forgot." I get those things. I do. They happen. But this goes a hell of a lot deeper than that.

What ever happened to connecting with each other?

Not to get too preachy or rant-y (which I probably already have), but I still believe in the value of connecting with the other human beings on this planet. Regardless of the situation, I value respecting other people and reaching back when they reach out. I could never even stomach not responding to someone in the way that so many I care about have begun on this path of not responding to me.

And it's not just me! I've heard this same complaint from very few others, so I know at least I am not alone in this sea of wasteful dismissiveness.

I'm going to try to not contradict myself by emphasizing the importance of putting our phones down from time to time to connect with the world around us... (Believe me, I'm guilty of being glued to my phone, too.) But there's a difference between mindlessly checking Twitter and actually connecting with the people who have reached out to you on your phone.

If you're reading this and thinking that I'm overreacting, you're part of the problem. You see, I don't overreact if this happens every once in a while. But when it's constant and in a row, it sparks a reaction that the writer inside of me cannot simply keep ignoring. 

We are on one slippery slope if we genuinely think that out-right ignoring and/or blowing off our fellow man is an okay thing to do.  

If someone waves at you, wave back. 

If someone texts you, text them back.

If someone calls you, answer. 

If someone is reaching out to you, reach back.

It's fine to be busy. It's great to put your phone down and enjoy the world around you, connecting with the people in front of you. But this habit of ignoring and dismissing each other completely has got to stop. It's hurtful, regardless of intention. And it's downright lazy.

Besides having ourselves and the Big Man upstairs... 

connection, at the end of the day, is all we have. 

And it's time we stop taking it for granted. 

Whether it's hello or something far more important... it matters. It deserves your attention. It deserves your time. It deserves to be acknowledged. Because people matter. And what they say, matters. 

So if someone waves at you, wave back. 

Wave back.

HOLY GUACAMOLE, LOSING MY EVER-LOVING SHIT.

So, you guys are used to me writing when I'm sad... am I right? I think all writers take advantage of sadness in that way. It's easy to write when you're sad (and also not) because, well, you have a lot to say when you're sad.

Today, however, is a rarity. Today I am writing because I'm happy. (The fact that I'm writing because I'm happy is the rare thing, not being happy itself... just so we're clear.) In fact, I am so happy that I can't quite even calm down enough to write this. My hands move frantically over the keyboard nearly uncontrollably and thank the Lord right now for spell check.

Today, I found out two very unexpected and exciting things... that have led me to be way too excited about life in general...

First, I am getting a piano. It's barely going to fit in our already too-small apartment, but I don't care. We'll move someday. And this is a free piano. (Those don't come around often. Or, like, ever.) And I've always wanted my own piano. So this is a groundbreaking thing for me.

Second, I also found out that I am going to Cancun, Mexico with my ENTIRE family in December. We've gone about 6 or 7 times (How bougie do I sound? Not keeping track of how many times I've been to Cancun. So sorry.) with my family's timeshare and this year is the last year we have the timeshare. So everyone's going. Including me. And Jason. And I thought we couldn't. And now we can. Best graduation gift EVER. (Or best family ever.)

So.... because I can't quite believe it myself.... let's spell this out:

August: Jason's birthday, 4 year anniversary, Vegas Bachelor/Bachelorette Party, turning 25.

September: GETTING MARRIED, going to the BAHAMAS for my HONEYMOON.
(Yes, these required caps. Because I'm screaming them. I'm screaming them at the top of my freaking lungs, I'm so excited.)

December: Finishing my last semester of college EVER, going to CANCUN, and then GRADUATING. (In that order. Crap. So excited I just broke a key off my lap top.)

Life has been so hard. If you're frequent to this blog, I think you know that by now. And in the last few weeks (even before all of this amazing-ness coming up occurred to me/became a thing that was for sure happening) I have been feeling so overwhelming thankful for all of the good in my life---true family and true friends. I say true because, well, not everybody is. But the people who are, are so damn good at it, it just about knocks me clean off my feet.

It's so easy to focus on what we don't have. I know this is cliché, but it's true. It's so easy to forget about all of the good in our life when the bad starts to drown us. And that's okay. It's okay to let it drown us every once in a while because we're only human. But it's also important to consciously remember the good as often as we possibly can because no matter where you are in life, there is so much good to be thankful for. (Easy for me to say, right? Well, you'd be surprised.)

This year has put me through the ringer and it has taken me several therapy sessions to get to the point that I'm at right now---which isn't anywhere near "there", mind you, but it's a hell of lot better than "back there".

Come January when all of this excitement turns into a memory, and I'm faced with having to get a big girl job and put my big girl pants on... I'll read this post. I'll relish in its straightforward simplistic enthusiasm. I'll grimace at how it didn't all go exactly according to plan (because nothing ever does) and hopefully... I'll feel just as unbelievably thankful for my life as I do in this very moment.

Oh, and one more thing...

Thank you, God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I need to write like I need to breathe.

I need to write. I need to write like I need to breathe. Suddenly, vividly--the severity of writing overcomes my being and there is no greater need on the planet--no thirst, no hunger--greater than my need to say the words crashing around in my mind.

So much has happened. So much has happened in such a short period of time and my soul soars as much as it aches. My heart beats as much as it breaks. My mind races as hard as it sleeps. And I just don't know whether to laugh or cry. To run screaming or pour a glass of champagne. To write that paper due in my business class or write this blog entry that hardly anyone will read.

Life is quickly changing all around me. The people close to me, and not so close to me; are getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant. Suddenly I am no longer sixteen playing Taylor Swift songs on my guitar on a Friday night. Suddenly I'm a senior in college, making no money at all, and planning a beautiful wedding to the man I love. Suddenly my friends are no longer talking about the boys they have a crush on and are instead showing off the ring those boys used to propose. Instead showing pictures of the sonograms of the human being they created with those boys. The human being that will grow to be sixteen and two seconds later, twenty-five.

When did I blink? Why, when I know this isn't true, do I feel like I woke up this morning and my world went from black and white to bright, vivid color? A color that both fascinates and nauseates me. A color that enriches and cripples me. A color that instills both passion and fear inside of me. A color that I'm swimming in, dancing in, crying in, laughing in, drinking in.

It's never enough and all too much at exactly the same time. With a life this exciting, how do we ever feel pain? With a life this painful, how do we ever feel joy?

In the past 6 months I've had some of my highest highs, and my lowest lows. My lows haven't stemmed from my relationship with my fiancé, but you would love to think that, wouldn't you? Whoever you are. No. They have stemmed from a life of forming a habit of letting my mind tell my heart it isn't good enough. They've stemmed from a sudden waking up and seeing color. They've stemmed from the belief that I am fucking good enough and I won't let anyone tell me any different and people don't like that.

They don't like that at all.

I'm tired and I'm wide-awake. The black and white I was used to is fading and I'm finally seeing in color. I'm so fucking happy and so very heart-sad all at once. I could say I don't know why, but I do. And so do you, don't you?

And I need to write. I need to write like I need to breathe.

Why I'm Not "Too Young To Get Married"

Recently, someone in my life told me that I am "too young to get married". They did so half-jokingly, and I'm sure their intention wasn't to hurt my feelings, and they didn't.

It just got me to thinking that this person is probably one of many who is or has thought the same thing. And these people are totally entitled to their opinion...

But here's why they're wrong.

First of all, I'm almost 25 years old. My fiancé, almost 28. So, there's that.  

Second, my fiancé and I have wanted to be married for 4-5 years before we start our family and trying to have children. We feel it's really important for us that we have a few "selfish years" in our marriage. And here's what I mean by that...

Marriage is a big deal. That fact is not lost on me. Being the child of not one, but two divorces--- I know exactly how big a deal it is. Marriage between two people is also based solely in the two people who are married. Crazy, I know! It doesn't revolve around the two people's parents, or family members, or co-workers, or friends... It revolves around the two people who are married. 

My fiancé and I want to establish ourselves as husband and wife, as a team and a partnership, before we have kids. We want to have our feet firmly planted on the ground as husband and wife. Not only that, but we want to use that partnership to enrich each other, not only as a team, but as individuals. We want to travel. A LOT. We want to see the world and go on adventures. We want to make mistakes and learn from them. We want to go out and go dancing on the weekends. We want to have careers that instill confidence within ourselves and allow us to do the things we love. We want to stay up late on Saturday nights and sleep in late on Sunday mornings. We want to watch movies with curse words in them and go on spontaneous weekend trips. 

We want to be selfish. 

And we want to be married while we are.

All of this isn't to say that once we have kids, we won't be able to do these things. But once we have kids, they will be our world. We will no longer be selfish because we won't want to be. 

So often in life we do something so that we can get to the next thing.We go to high school so we can go to college. We go to college so we can get a good job and get promoted and make more money. We want to meet someone so we can get married and have a wedding and buy a house and have kids... 

So often in life we forget to actually live while we're doing these things. We're all guilty of that, myself included.

But when it comes to my marriage, something that I take more seriously than almost anyone I've ever met, I don't want to just get to the next part. I want to live in my marriage. I want to relish in the moments--good and bad--of being married. I want some time to learn how to be a good wife before I have to start learning how to be a good mom.

And for the record--- as excited as I am about my wedding day, and as many butterflies as I get when I practice my vows in my head before I go to sleep at night, my wedding day is not why I'm getting married. 

The thing that I daydream about even more than that one day... is all the days that will follow. The days when I will get to say, "Hey, this is my husband!" And hear him say, "Have you met my wife?" The days when I will get to sign my name "Taylor Paris". The days when we go out to eat and I'll get butterflies as I sit across the table staring at the ring on his left finger. The day when we find out we're going to have a family of our own. The days when I will wake up on a Sunday morning with my own little family running around, jumping on the bed. The days when I'll think to myself how thankful I am to be in love with my best friend, and how wonderful it is that we created something so beautiful, so full of love, and so ours.

While it may not be "the norm", I've been preparing for my marriage since I was a little kid. I used to think to myself that most of my friends couldn't even quite appreciate just yet how blessed they were to have two parents under one roof. 

And just to be clear, I'm not knocking my parents or my childhood in the least. My mom is one of the best there is and raised me with grace in the face of all she went through as a single parent. I am who I am today because of my parent's constant love and encouragement. I treasure marriage in the way that I do because of what I saw them go through. Not in spite of it.

Marriage is a beautiful bond between two people. It's getting to choose your family. It's having someone next to you throughout all the ups and downs of life. It's growing and changing and learning with someone who is doing the same. It's saying "Goodnight, I love you" before bed, and sleeping soundly because you can feel their warmth next to you. 

I'm not too young to get married 

because I'm an eighty year old woman in a 24 year old body.

I'm not too young to get married 

because I value, so whole-heartedly, just what marriage is.

I'm not too young to get married 

because I fall even more head-over-heels in love with my other half every single day.

I'm not too young to get married 

because I've been praying to God since I was a little girl to send me my soul mate,
and now I pray to thank Him for it.

I'm not too young to get married 

because I love my fiancé so much that my heart aches in my chest if I think about it for too long.

I'm not too young to get married 

because love doesn't put into little boxes just when what should happen over the course of our lives.

And honestly... who are we to argue with love?

"Do no harm."

As a Business major, and as someone who just doesn't exactly like the whole mathematical-black and white-scientific way of thinking, from time to time I find myself taking pieces of information said in class that relate to business and relating them to other things instead. Like, the English major that I was going to be originally. (Just not as lucrative, ya know?)

In my Management Information Systems class the other day, my Professor brought up the motto and policy of Google. He said that it's very simple and incredibly universal-- "Do no harm."

(Upon further research, I see that it is also stated as "Don't be evil." But, you know, same thing. "Do no harm" has a better ring.)

"Do no harm."

So straight-forward. So simple. Yet, so applicable to not only running a company, but also an excellent motto to run your whole life on---- "Do no harm."

I haven't been able to get it out of my head and it has made me reflect upon my own life and the way that I lead it. With the exception of needing to recycle a little more and the fact that I probably yell at Jason for leaving his socks on the floor too much, for the most part, I don't do harm to the world around me. (I might do a little harm to my body, but hey-- pizza is delicious and wine has grapes in it and okay, whatever, it's part of my New Year's resolution to treat my body better. I'm workin' on it.)

It's so important to stay focused on your path and to be kind to those around you along the way. It's also really important, and also, in my humble opinion-- really overlooked, to be kind to yourself as well. As soon as you start doing harm-- to yourself, to your friends or family, to the stranger on the road who cut you off and you cursed out-- it impacts your life in a negative way. It causes you to feel just slightly more introverted, just slightly more resentful, just slightly more self-centered.

"Do no harm."

Live with grace. Take the high road, no matter how much it sucks sometimes. Read a book before bed instead of watching TV every once in a while. Go on a hike. Breathe. Smile. Listen to some music.

Life is hard, you know. Sometimes you're walking around, happy as a clam, dancing to that new Bruno Mars song and BAM--- life smacks you dead in the face. It hurts. You're stunned for a moment, knowing you're about to feel the sting, but not quite able to process what just happened. And then it comes. The sting.

Life stings, sometimes.

Life has stung for me since about midnight on New Year's Eve. On the Eve of the year that I am going to finish college. On the Eve of the year that I am going to get married. And life was all like, BAM--- no more dancing for you. Nope. You're going to spend midnight on the floor of your bathroom having a panic attack and breaking out in hives.

I'm nearly 25 years old and I'm realizing that as much as I've learned in my life, there's always going to be certain things that I just don't understand. There's always going to be obstacles. There's always going to be something there making you stronger, no matter how many times you tell that something that you're as strong as you want to be, dammit. This past week, I've been dealing with one of the hardest stings of my life. And I'm still dealing with it. I'm still anxious. Still unsure. Still lathering myself in lavender oil every night before bed, praying for some sleep. Still not quite standing strong on my own two feet.

And then I go to class and my Professor tells us this motto.

"Do no harm."

There's things happening in my life right now that I just can't possibly control. I won't ever be able to. There's things that make me anxious, make me cringe every time my phone goes off... but there's one thing I can do.

I can do no harm.

Christmas reflecting and Resolutions.

Christmas is over and I am supposed to be cleaning my apartment right now to prepare for the New Year's Eve party that we are supposed to have in two days. Having a week between Christmas and New Years is kind of nice, when you think about it. Usually, if you're like me, you have a little break and a little time to yourself to slowly say goodbye to your favorite time of year.

Christmas always comes so fast, but it comes just a little bit faster the older I get. Seriously-- Christmas got here in what seemed like only a month or two after it had just passed. Isn't that strange how that happens?

It's always just a little bit different, too. The people around you are a little different, the decorations in the boxes you've always had seem a little bit different, and you- yourself- are usually a little bit different, too.

I miss New York. (I don't miss New Jersey.) But I miss New York. I miss the hustle and bustle of people. The sharp cold on my cheeks. The feeling of Jason beside me as we wander down 5th Avenue. But I am so grateful for that time. In fact, it still feels like a dream. And I know that what I had with my city is a big part of the reason why I am who I am today-- this Christmas.

And next Christmas-- boy, oh boy! I am going to be MARRIED. Married, I tell you! I am going to be Taylor Christine Paris, and wife to the love of my life. If I thought Christmas felt different this year, I can only imagine what it will feel like then... And oh, how I love to imagine it.

I am so excited about the wedding. My family and friends are, too, and we're getting to that sweet spot in the planning process where just about 80% of all conversations revolve around the wedding. However, I'm surprising myself by how much more I think about what is going to come after the wedding. And no, I don't just mean the Honeymoon. I'm surprising myself because even though my thoughts drift to the wedding day and my dress and so on, quite often... They drift even more to what will come afterwards. The marriage. I am so excited to be married to my best friend. To get to say, "Oh, hi! Hello! This is my husband, Jason." To hear him say, "Have you met my wife?"

I'm so excited to get a house, and make it our own. To travel to Europe together, hopefully quite often. To get a dog, hopefully a Golden. And to start a family of our own. Growing old doesn't even seem so bad, knowing that Jason will be getting just as old right along side me.

Now, among all of this reflecting on both the present and the past-- I've, of course, been also planning my New Year's Resolutions. And here they are...

1. Get toned and stay slim for the wedding.

Because, cliché. I hadn't even realized how much weight I gained on the East Coast until I moved home and lost it, and then lost some more. I am more comfortable in my body than I maybe ever have been, and here's hoping I can keep it that way. It would also be nice to have some sexy, toned arms because I'm planning on a strapless, sweetheart wedding dress and ya girl wants to look goooood.

2. Read more.

When we lived in Jersey, I read CONSTANTLY. At one point I read seven books in one week. Seven. It was fantastic. I've always been an avid reader, but I had reached an all-time high at that point. Since we moved home, however, I haven't been making the time. Reading is so important. Getting lost in a good book is such a wonderful gift. No more taking that for granted.

3. Write more.

Yes, on this blog of course, but in general as well. I started my second novel in Jersey and I want to finish it. If only to see what happens because it's getting pretty good.

4. Grow my YouTube channel.

This is a hard one for me to even type, because to be frank-- it just makes me feel lame. In fact, I go back and forth between feeling completely lame and totally awesome every time I post a video. But I love the YouTube community and I love that people can make a living doing what they love. I want to be one of those people. Making videos is fun, no matter how many times that little voice in my head tells me it's stupid.

5. Do one (or more) spontaneous and romantic thing with Jason every single month.

When we lived in Jersey, it was just us two. We struggled with it from time to time, we got lonely. We missed our friends and going out with people or having them come over. But we also did really well on our own. We became closer than ever and bonded in a way that I've never bonded with anyone. It was truly a blessing. Now that we're back, we've lost that a little bit and we both miss it. We want to please everyone and never want to say "no" when we're asked to do something with someone because we spent so much time away. But it's important we make time for ourselves, too. The connection we share is too precious to be overlooked.

So that's it! I think these are reasonable resolutions and I look forward to checking them in what will feel like 5 minutes from now to see if I achieved them.

Happy Holidays and many blessings to you and yours in the New Year!

With love always,

City Girl from Cali

Beautiful chaos.

So... it's been awhile. 4 months with no posting is simply unacceptable and I apologize. But, in my defense, it's been a wild 4 months.

Last you heard from me, I was still an inhabitant of New Jersey and somewhat bitterly, with a sprinkle of cleverness (maybe?), attempted to make light of the twist and turns that consumed my life whilst living there. Well, let's catch up.

Jason and I now live in California again. We found a cute apartment, unpacked our things and our cat, and have been settling in here. I'm not going to lie; I miss our old apartment sometimes. I think mostly just because it was our first home together and so many memories were made there-- good and bad. But now, as is life, we have entered a new chapter and it took a few months, but we are finally getting into our new groove.

We've seen all of our family and friends numerous times and have seemingly scooted ourselves back in to our old lives, but in a new way. (If that makes sense.)

The wedding planning is full-fledged now. We have a venue, food, alcohol, a DJ, and a photographer. All of which happened within the same week. Not stressful at all. Just a few more grey hairs. It's fine.

No, but seriously... it makes the fact that we're getting married feel so much more real. I realized that when we got engaged last May, we were so far from everyone that by the time we saw them in person-- it was as if it was "old news" for them and not all that exciting. I mean, I wasn't expecting anyone to jump and down over it (or maybe I was), but a little bit more enthusiasm would have been nice.

Now, here we are, over a year later and we have a date. We know exactly when and where we're going to say our vows. (September 17th, 2017 at 4 pm, OMG.) We know who is going to play the music and who is going to take the pictures. And suddenly this idea of getting married has become a shocking and beautiful reality and I get butterflies in my stomach every time I think about it.

There is so many unknowns in the air right. Including, but not limited to, the fact that we were screwed over by a selfish and immoral woman at the bank making it much more difficult for us to figure out how we're going to pay for this humongous, life-altering event.

When we were in Jersey, all we had to worry about was ourselves, which was admittedly lonely at times-- but it had its perks. It was easier than trying to juggle the personalities of everyone you know and love on a day-to-day basis.

I am officially a senior in college and loving every second of my time at my new school. The professors, the trees in the quad, and the fact that it's a simple 20 minute drive away versus a 2 hour train ride. But that doesn't mean that school is easy, either. It's a LOT of work.

And still, in the face of all of this, Jason and I are happier than ever.

My grandpa told Jason, warming my heart as he put his arm around him and I watched two of the most important men in my life share a moment together, "This is a beautiful time in your life, you guys. Soak in every second of it."

And soak, we will.