Beautiful chaos.

So... it's been awhile. 4 months with no posting is simply unacceptable and I apologize. But, in my defense, it's been a wild 4 months.

Last you heard from me, I was still an inhabitant of New Jersey and somewhat bitterly, with a sprinkle of cleverness (maybe?), attempted to make light of the twist and turns that consumed my life whilst living there. Well, let's catch up.

Jason and I now live in California again. We found a cute apartment, unpacked our things and our cat, and have been settling in here. I'm not going to lie; I miss our old apartment sometimes. I think mostly just because it was our first home together and so many memories were made there-- good and bad. But now, as is life, we have entered a new chapter and it took a few months, but we are finally getting into our new groove.

We've seen all of our family and friends numerous times and have seemingly scooted ourselves back in to our old lives, but in a new way. (If that makes sense.)

The wedding planning is full-fledged now. We have a venue, food, alcohol, a DJ, and a photographer. All of which happened within the same week. Not stressful at all. Just a few more grey hairs. It's fine.

No, but seriously... it makes the fact that we're getting married feel so much more real. I realized that when we got engaged last May, we were so far from everyone that by the time we saw them in person-- it was as if it was "old news" for them and not all that exciting. I mean, I wasn't expecting anyone to jump and down over it (or maybe I was), but a little bit more enthusiasm would have been nice.

Now, here we are, over a year later and we have a date. We know exactly when and where we're going to say our vows. (September 17th, 2017 at 4 pm, OMG.) We know who is going to play the music and who is going to take the pictures. And suddenly this idea of getting married has become a shocking and beautiful reality and I get butterflies in my stomach every time I think about it.

There is so many unknowns in the air right. Including, but not limited to, the fact that we were screwed over by a selfish and immoral woman at the bank making it much more difficult for us to figure out how we're going to pay for this humongous, life-altering event.

When we were in Jersey, all we had to worry about was ourselves, which was admittedly lonely at times-- but it had its perks. It was easier than trying to juggle the personalities of everyone you know and love on a day-to-day basis.

I am officially a senior in college and loving every second of my time at my new school. The professors, the trees in the quad, and the fact that it's a simple 20 minute drive away versus a 2 hour train ride. But that doesn't mean that school is easy, either. It's a LOT of work.

And still, in the face of all of this, Jason and I are happier than ever.

My grandpa told Jason, warming my heart as he put his arm around him and I watched two of the most important men in my life share a moment together, "This is a beautiful time in your life, you guys. Soak in every second of it."

And soak, we will.

Good enough.

Well, hello again. And let me begin this post by saying that I have absolutely no idea what I want to write about, I just know that I need to write.

Yesterday I applied to another scholarship and one of the questions I had to write an essay for asked who my role model is. It wanted me to detail why that person is my role model and how they will contribute to my future success. This is what I wrote:

I have many role models in my life: my mother, my grandfather, and my best friend. However, upon reading this question, the first person that came to mind is the one that I will get to call my husband in exactly one year. My fiancé Jason inspires me every single day and has done so since we began our journey together three years ago. He, like so many others, has endured far too much tragedy in his life. His father was in a serious accident that many said he would not walk away from when Jason was only a toddler and the man is a walking miracle to this day. Jason then lost his mother at the mere age of twelve years old. He could have let this break him. He could have let it consume him, as so many in his shoes would have. But he didn't. He was living on his own, working every day until midnight, playing on a championship hockey team, and going to high school at only seventeen. From there, he went on to college and spent the money left to him by his mother in a way that would better his future. He took eighteen units every semester, worked internships full-time every summer, and graduated in four years with his Bachelors in Engineering. He already had a job before graduation and has gotten two promotions in four years at one of the top manufacturing plastics companies in the country. In the face of all that he had been through, he didn't use it as an excuse to give up on life, but rather-- he used it fuel his success. I watch him get to do what he loves every single day and it's an inspiration. He is the most hard-working and determined person that I know, going into work early every day and leaving late every night. When I begin my career upon graduating, whatever that career may be, I hope to embody the same amount of hard work and determination that he always has and continues to.

When I read it to Jason last night, he thanked me, shook his head, and told me how strange it is to hear someone talk about him like that. He also said how much he loves the way that I write.

He said something else, though. He said something that made me realize not only is this man determined when it comes to his career, but he's also determined in that he's insistent upon finding ways to better ourselves. He sees things that I don't always see myself. He said that I write a lot differently than the way that I sometimes portray myself in my day-to-day life. "How so?" I asked, taken aback. He said, "You're very strong and sure of yourself when you write... (But you allow life to intimidate you at times.)" I was about to show him just how sure of myself I am with a snappy comeback when he continued, "You're going to do great things, babe," he said. "Really great things." 

It got me thinking... I was about to let his comment offend me when I realized that he's kind of right. Sure, I have my moments when I'm just as strong and sure of myself in my real life as I am in my writing, but I also have my moments when I fall short of that. It made me ask myself... Why? Why is it that when I sit down to write I seem to have all of my shit together, but when it comes to making my way through life I tend to second-guess myself?

Then I got to thinking that maybe we all are that way... We all have something about us that we're good at, something that makes us feel strong and sure of ourselves and confident. Writing, and even music, are two of those things for me. So then how do I take that feeling and transfer it into my every day life? How do I harbor the instincts I feel when I sit down to write something and use them for everything? 

For example, over the past couple of weeks I've been struggling a little bit with some personal things. No where near the kind of struggling I did going in and out of the city everyday for the past year; this struggling has been done from the comfort of my own home. However, through all of my struggling, I haven't felt inspired enough to sit down and write about it. Which is always, ironically, the thing that helps me through it the most.

I may be rambling at this point, so if you're still reading this... I applaud you. I guess I'm just learning more and more about myself lately than I have ever. 

The ebb and flow of life has gotten me down. Something happened that I can't stop thinking about and then I feel guilty for thinking about it and then I start thinking about it again and then I feel like I should be happier than I am because I'm so, so blessed and then I feel guilty about that and it's become this vicious cycle I'm trying so desperately to break...

And then I drink a glass of wine and the voices cease for a bit. (Okay, I'm kidding. Sort of.) 

But, seriously... why are we so hard on ourselves? As human beings, we tend to overthink every situation turning on ourselves with that ever-persistant inner voice that chides, "YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH." We do this instead of embracing the parts of ourselves that make us strong and sure and confident. 

I think it's time I focus on the parts of me that I love. The parts that make me feel good about myself. It's easy to blame hard things that we go through on others, but in reality-- we are our own worst enemy. That's the scary truth. A truth that needs to be told and retold and retold again every single day, no matter how hard it may be to hear it. 

So every time I hear that voice, I'm going to remember one thing... One very important thing.

I am good enough. And so are you.

Xoxo,

City Girl from Cali