I need to write like I need to breathe.

I need to write. I need to write like I need to breathe. Suddenly, vividly--the severity of writing overcomes my being and there is no greater need on the planet--no thirst, no hunger--greater than my need to say the words crashing around in my mind.

So much has happened. So much has happened in such a short period of time and my soul soars as much as it aches. My heart beats as much as it breaks. My mind races as hard as it sleeps. And I just don't know whether to laugh or cry. To run screaming or pour a glass of champagne. To write that paper due in my business class or write this blog entry that hardly anyone will read.

Life is quickly changing all around me. The people close to me, and not so close to me; are getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant. Suddenly I am no longer sixteen playing Taylor Swift songs on my guitar on a Friday night. Suddenly I'm a senior in college, making no money at all, and planning a beautiful wedding to the man I love. Suddenly my friends are no longer talking about the boys they have a crush on and are instead showing off the ring those boys used to propose. Instead showing pictures of the sonograms of the human being they created with those boys. The human being that will grow to be sixteen and two seconds later, twenty-five.

When did I blink? Why, when I know this isn't true, do I feel like I woke up this morning and my world went from black and white to bright, vivid color? A color that both fascinates and nauseates me. A color that enriches and cripples me. A color that instills both passion and fear inside of me. A color that I'm swimming in, dancing in, crying in, laughing in, drinking in.

It's never enough and all too much at exactly the same time. With a life this exciting, how do we ever feel pain? With a life this painful, how do we ever feel joy?

In the past 6 months I've had some of my highest highs, and my lowest lows. My lows haven't stemmed from my relationship with my fiancé, but you would love to think that, wouldn't you? Whoever you are. No. They have stemmed from a life of forming a habit of letting my mind tell my heart it isn't good enough. They've stemmed from a sudden waking up and seeing color. They've stemmed from the belief that I am fucking good enough and I won't let anyone tell me any different and people don't like that.

They don't like that at all.

I'm tired and I'm wide-awake. The black and white I was used to is fading and I'm finally seeing in color. I'm so fucking happy and so very heart-sad all at once. I could say I don't know why, but I do. And so do you, don't you?

And I need to write. I need to write like I need to breathe.

To everything there is a season.

I wrote about the winter and the majesty that is heavy snowfall (to a born and raised California girl, at least) and now I feel it necessary to write about the spring.

I've never in my life experienced drastic season changes. In California, we have one season year-round: beautiful. And while I do find myself missing that constantly perfect California sunshine, I am truly enjoying getting to see the seasons change. After the snow melted and everything was just plain dead for awhile, I figured it would take quite some time before my new world started turning green. Much to my surprise, however, this new world of which I've found myself took less than a month to come alive. It gets more and more beautiful every day; with cherry blossoms and flowers sprouting up all over the place practically overnight.

This newfound drastic change of seasons has gotten me thinking about the seasons in our lives. (And yes, it got me singing, "To everything turn, turn, turn, there is a season, turn, turn, turn...") 

Think back on your life, on all of the people you have been. It's amazing to think that just from year to year, not to mention every 5 years or so, how different we become. If somebody one year ago would have told me I'd be where I am today, I'm not sure I would have believed them. If they told me just two years ago, I definitely wouldn't have. 

Our lives are like a giant book and every thing we go through, every inner-change we grow in to, becomes a chapter in that book. And the funny thing about it is that looking back on the chapters in our lives, one at a time, we (well, maybe I can only speak for myself, but I digress...) truly believe that we know how things are going to turn out in the chapters to come. Although, the truth of it is that what we believe is going to happen, usually doesn't. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse, but always it's for a reason.

I know, I know. How more cliché could I possibly get? The whole everything happens for a reason bit... But it's true! It does! And I haven't always believed that, either, which just goes to prove my "different people in our different chapters" theory. If something terrible were to happen to me or someone close to me, I would think, "What reason could this possibly be for?" But the older I've gotten, the more and more that I've learned every little detail that is bestowed upon us in our lives is part of a bigger plan, much bigger than anything we could dream up for ourselves. God's plan.

A quick example: If my parent's wouldn't have split up when I was very young, if I wouldn't have gotten my heart broken by the first boy I loved, if I hadn't have gone through all that I did because of and in light of the hardships in my life... I never would have been the me that I was when my Jason came along. Therefore, I never would have had the bravery and the appreciation and the belief in love that I had in order to open my heart to him.

Here's one more: If Jason hadn't been so driven by all that he went through in his childhood, put himself through college, worked his ass off, and gotten a job at a major plastics company... he never would have been able to take a job in California. If he hadn't have chosen the California location (out of FIFTY others)... we never even would have met.

Last one: If all of the above hadn't have happened... Jason and I never would have found each other, the people we had always been meant for, we never would have fallen in love, and we certainly wouldn't currently be living out the adventure of our lifetime right this very second.

This has been the hardest three months of my entire life. I miss my family so much and I know that I have put a strain on them as I hear them tell me often how much they wish I was back home. This decision was not one that only changed the course of my life, but it catastrophically changed the course of the lives of those all around me as well. This is a new chapter, a new season, for all of us.

And though it has broken my heart in ways I didn't know were even possible, it has also brought to life parts of myself that I didn't even know were there. 

And to think... I'm only on month 4 of 24, with many a chapter and many a season to go.

'Til the next one.

Xx