I need to write like I need to breathe.

I need to write. I need to write like I need to breathe. Suddenly, vividly--the severity of writing overcomes my being and there is no greater need on the planet--no thirst, no hunger--greater than my need to say the words crashing around in my mind.

So much has happened. So much has happened in such a short period of time and my soul soars as much as it aches. My heart beats as much as it breaks. My mind races as hard as it sleeps. And I just don't know whether to laugh or cry. To run screaming or pour a glass of champagne. To write that paper due in my business class or write this blog entry that hardly anyone will read.

Life is quickly changing all around me. The people close to me, and not so close to me; are getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant. Suddenly I am no longer sixteen playing Taylor Swift songs on my guitar on a Friday night. Suddenly I'm a senior in college, making no money at all, and planning a beautiful wedding to the man I love. Suddenly my friends are no longer talking about the boys they have a crush on and are instead showing off the ring those boys used to propose. Instead showing pictures of the sonograms of the human being they created with those boys. The human being that will grow to be sixteen and two seconds later, twenty-five.

When did I blink? Why, when I know this isn't true, do I feel like I woke up this morning and my world went from black and white to bright, vivid color? A color that both fascinates and nauseates me. A color that enriches and cripples me. A color that instills both passion and fear inside of me. A color that I'm swimming in, dancing in, crying in, laughing in, drinking in.

It's never enough and all too much at exactly the same time. With a life this exciting, how do we ever feel pain? With a life this painful, how do we ever feel joy?

In the past 6 months I've had some of my highest highs, and my lowest lows. My lows haven't stemmed from my relationship with my fiancé, but you would love to think that, wouldn't you? Whoever you are. No. They have stemmed from a life of forming a habit of letting my mind tell my heart it isn't good enough. They've stemmed from a sudden waking up and seeing color. They've stemmed from the belief that I am fucking good enough and I won't let anyone tell me any different and people don't like that.

They don't like that at all.

I'm tired and I'm wide-awake. The black and white I was used to is fading and I'm finally seeing in color. I'm so fucking happy and so very heart-sad all at once. I could say I don't know why, but I do. And so do you, don't you?

And I need to write. I need to write like I need to breathe.

Christmas reflecting and Resolutions.

Christmas is over and I am supposed to be cleaning my apartment right now to prepare for the New Year's Eve party that we are supposed to have in two days. Having a week between Christmas and New Years is kind of nice, when you think about it. Usually, if you're like me, you have a little break and a little time to yourself to slowly say goodbye to your favorite time of year.

Christmas always comes so fast, but it comes just a little bit faster the older I get. Seriously-- Christmas got here in what seemed like only a month or two after it had just passed. Isn't that strange how that happens?

It's always just a little bit different, too. The people around you are a little different, the decorations in the boxes you've always had seem a little bit different, and you- yourself- are usually a little bit different, too.

I miss New York. (I don't miss New Jersey.) But I miss New York. I miss the hustle and bustle of people. The sharp cold on my cheeks. The feeling of Jason beside me as we wander down 5th Avenue. But I am so grateful for that time. In fact, it still feels like a dream. And I know that what I had with my city is a big part of the reason why I am who I am today-- this Christmas.

And next Christmas-- boy, oh boy! I am going to be MARRIED. Married, I tell you! I am going to be Taylor Christine Paris, and wife to the love of my life. If I thought Christmas felt different this year, I can only imagine what it will feel like then... And oh, how I love to imagine it.

I am so excited about the wedding. My family and friends are, too, and we're getting to that sweet spot in the planning process where just about 80% of all conversations revolve around the wedding. However, I'm surprising myself by how much more I think about what is going to come after the wedding. And no, I don't just mean the Honeymoon. I'm surprising myself because even though my thoughts drift to the wedding day and my dress and so on, quite often... They drift even more to what will come afterwards. The marriage. I am so excited to be married to my best friend. To get to say, "Oh, hi! Hello! This is my husband, Jason." To hear him say, "Have you met my wife?"

I'm so excited to get a house, and make it our own. To travel to Europe together, hopefully quite often. To get a dog, hopefully a Golden. And to start a family of our own. Growing old doesn't even seem so bad, knowing that Jason will be getting just as old right along side me.

Now, among all of this reflecting on both the present and the past-- I've, of course, been also planning my New Year's Resolutions. And here they are...

1. Get toned and stay slim for the wedding.

Because, cliché. I hadn't even realized how much weight I gained on the East Coast until I moved home and lost it, and then lost some more. I am more comfortable in my body than I maybe ever have been, and here's hoping I can keep it that way. It would also be nice to have some sexy, toned arms because I'm planning on a strapless, sweetheart wedding dress and ya girl wants to look goooood.

2. Read more.

When we lived in Jersey, I read CONSTANTLY. At one point I read seven books in one week. Seven. It was fantastic. I've always been an avid reader, but I had reached an all-time high at that point. Since we moved home, however, I haven't been making the time. Reading is so important. Getting lost in a good book is such a wonderful gift. No more taking that for granted.

3. Write more.

Yes, on this blog of course, but in general as well. I started my second novel in Jersey and I want to finish it. If only to see what happens because it's getting pretty good.

4. Grow my YouTube channel.

This is a hard one for me to even type, because to be frank-- it just makes me feel lame. In fact, I go back and forth between feeling completely lame and totally awesome every time I post a video. But I love the YouTube community and I love that people can make a living doing what they love. I want to be one of those people. Making videos is fun, no matter how many times that little voice in my head tells me it's stupid.

5. Do one (or more) spontaneous and romantic thing with Jason every single month.

When we lived in Jersey, it was just us two. We struggled with it from time to time, we got lonely. We missed our friends and going out with people or having them come over. But we also did really well on our own. We became closer than ever and bonded in a way that I've never bonded with anyone. It was truly a blessing. Now that we're back, we've lost that a little bit and we both miss it. We want to please everyone and never want to say "no" when we're asked to do something with someone because we spent so much time away. But it's important we make time for ourselves, too. The connection we share is too precious to be overlooked.

So that's it! I think these are reasonable resolutions and I look forward to checking them in what will feel like 5 minutes from now to see if I achieved them.

Happy Holidays and many blessings to you and yours in the New Year!

With love always,

City Girl from Cali