Random ramblings and not sleeping in the city.

I don't even know where to begin as I sit here to write this post. I just know that I've been dying to write, feeling a burning, constant need for it, in fact, but I have not a clue as to what to write about.

Life, as of late, has been a series of lows and highs. I suppose life is always that way, but I've just happened to take more notice of it in particular over the past week or so. Since visiting home and then returning to New York and Jersey, my time here feels incredibly different. I figured that I would go home, it would be refreshing, and then I would come back, picking up where I had left off. But, that hasn't really been the case.

Home, as I wrote about in a previous post, was not what I thought it would be. So naturally coming back here hasn't been what I thought, either. It feels more foreign to me now than it did before. I don't mean that in a negative way or in a way that would imply I'm having second thoughts about my decision to move here. I simply mean that since returning to life on the East Coast after only one week of my old life, this new life feels even more outrageous than it did before.

On some levels, this is a good thing. It's a good kind of outrageous. On other levels, aka the days that I feel terrified and miss home, those feelings are amplified in to a bad kind of outrageous.

I've talked about this before, and I'm sure this won't be the last time I write about it either, but I knew that this was going to be hard. I knew that moving across the country was going to be obviously difficult. I knew I was going to miss home. What I didn't know was just how hard it was going to be. I couldn't have known.

Maybe I'm starting to sound like a broken record to whomever is keeping up with these blogs. I know I certainly am to myself. I just need to address how I'm feeling and let it in, so that I can then let it go.

This really is the adventure of a lifetime. Yes, I am very idle for most of the week. It is in these quiet moments of solitude, with nothing but the sound of the air conditioner around me, that I yearn to be near the people I love the most. Because it really is the people in our lives that make our lives WHAT they are. I've learned this more than I thought possible over the past few months. But that doesn't give me an excuse to feel sorry for myself.

School will be rescuing me in less than 3 months. That means I've made it through more than half of the toughest part of my time here. And if quiet moments of solitude with an aching heart that's reaching for home is what it takes to experience the loud moments of life I have every time I go in to New York City or feel the rush of driving around in a place that's brand new... then maybe those moments are worth it. 

I've been watching the seasons change, I've dove into a river near a waterfall after a long hike through a green forest, I've gotten engaged in Central Park (for crying out loud), and just last weekend I pulled an all nighter in the city that quite literally never sleeps. 

My handsome fiancé and myself ventured into the city at (Oh my Goodness) 9 PM to check out a supposed "awesome new club", meeting up with a couple friends of ours later in the night. Well, being the unbelievably cool people that we are, we were the first to arrive at the club. Literally. The only ones there.

After we checked in and the bitch at security took away my scented hand sanitizer (Like, really? What do you think I'm gonna do, snort it?), we took a look around at the empty place and naturally found the nearest bar. The cleavage-clad bartender took our orders and we sipped our overpriced cocktails, eventually giving up on trying to talk over the obnoxiously loud music. (Clearly, I'm such a party animal.)

We did, however, have fun. We danced like the nerds that we are and showed embarrassing amounts of PDA, interchangeably groping each other and making out against a wall. Not even a little bit ashamed.

We also missed the last train home and were forced to stay in the city until 7 AM when the first train out would be arriving. Make-up smeared and feet throbbing from my heels, I would have totally felt like a hooker doing the walk of shame if it hadn't been for my s/o, who was doing said walk of shame with me. And who did we sleep with? The City, that's who. Only there was no sleeping.

I mean... this is it. This is what I've been waiting for and working toward for what feels like my entire life. And I'll be damned if I let myself, or any sort of quiet moment, get in the way of that.

Yeah, I really did need to write. I apologize for the random rambling. I apologize if I sound repetitive. But I really did need to write.

Til next time...

Xx

Taylor

So, like, what do you do all day?

Okay, I've gotten asked this question enough as of late to inspire yet another new post this week. Friends, family, acquaintances, etc... hear about my new life and eventually they ask the same question. "So, like, what do you do all day?"

Well, you see, I sit in my pajamas eating pints of ice cream, drooling, and staring at the walls for hours on end waiting for them to bleed. What else would I do?

No, in all seriousness, I know that those who ask aren't trying to insult me, but it sure does end up doing so. I am an only child, therefore, I have always been really good at entertaining myself and finding productive things to do to preoccupy my free time. Since I've been waiting for Fall semester and had zero luck at finding a job until it starts, I have had nothing but free time and apparently people are curious about how I spend it. So here goes.

For starters, as some of you may know, I am interning for an online fashion magazine and write articles for it weekly. Of course, this only takes up so much of my time.

I make myself wake up at about 8 AM, even though in reality I could sleep in every day if I wanted to. If I sleep too long, however, I get really grumpy. It's important to wake up at a decent hour and kick start your day. Waking up earlier, even when you don't have to, allows your brain to be more active and productive throughout the day. (Or so I have found.)

Sometimes, I start my day with a little bit of yoga to stretch out any sore muscles I have from going to the gym so often. Then, I turn on that beautiful Keurig and while waiting for my coffee to brew, I make myself a healthy breakfast. (Sometimes breakfast is the only healthy meal I eat all day, so I make a habit out of it.)

While I eat, I usually surf the web or watch something on Netflix. I'm really into the show Young and Hungry right now. (HI-larious.)

Then, I check my e-mail and do whatever I may need to in the way of paying bills, checking on school, etc...

It's around this time that my mom calls me. We talk every day, sometimes for only ten minutes or so, sometimes over an hour. But it's so important I hear her voice at least once a day.

After that, I get myself ready and go to the gym for about two hours. I go back and forth between intense workouts and easier workouts because I go so often, my body gets pretty worn out. I end my workout with the sauna.

If I need to do any errands, after the gym is my go-to time to do that.

Once I return home, I have some lunch and write for a few hours. I'm currently working on my novel and I'm about halfway through it. Even though it gets hard and lonely sometimes having so much time to myself, I'm doing everything I can to just make the most of it. I know it won't last forever and come Fall when I'm drowning in 19 units of classes, I know I'll miss it. (Well, maybe.) I feel really grateful that I'm finally at a place in my life where I not only have time to write a novel like I've always wanted to do, but that I have the story for it as well.

At the end of the day I shower or take a relaxing bath, crawl into my PJs, and start dinner or do any other around the house chores that need to get done until my handsome future hubby comes home. We have dinner together and make a point to simply hang out and talk every single night instead of just constantly zoning out on the TV or something. One of my favorite parts of our relationship is that we have the ability to talk about everything and not only that, but the fact that we laugh constantly. We have fun together. Even if it's just a random Tuesday evening. And I'm reminded, every day, of how lucky I am to have found someone to share my life with, someone who makes life fun, even at such an idle time as this.

So, like, there ya go. That's, like, what I do all day. ;)

You can never go home again.

I'm sure you have heard this phrase before... "You can never go home again." I always personally thought that I knew what it meant, but as it turns out, up until last week- I really didn't.

After 4 months of living out in the "real world" and away from the home I was born and raised in, I finally went back to visit. Just the idea that I now have to go home to visit is still such a strange concept to wrap my head around. Now, I was obviously overwhelmed with excitement to be reunited with my friends, family and, of course, my puppies. But, I was also anticipating the weirdness that was sure to go along with it. I knew that it wouldn't be the same, especially without my handsome future hubby there with me.

What I didn't anticipate, however, was how hard it was going to be to say goodbye to him; even if only for a week. When I was getting out of the car at the departures terminal of the airport and receiving one final hug and kiss, I couldn't even attempt to stop the overflow of heart-wrenching tears that ensued. Yes, it was only going to be 7 days and 7 nights apart. I told myself this (not to mention how embarrassingly pathetic I was behaving) repeatedly. Although, in this moment (and many to follow), I simply didn't care. We had been through so much together in the those short 4 months that being apart would mean I would have to basically spend the next week feeling like I was missing a limb.

In addition, I've always hated flying. Especially by myself. I spent the entire flight trying to force away my anxiety with my mind; going in and out of feeling sad to have parted with my other half, followed by feeling overjoyed to get to see my mom in less than 6 hours. Talk about an emotional roller coaster.

My mom picked me up from the airport with both of my furry little Shih-Tzus awaiting me in the front seat. While they were excited to see me, they didn't try to hide the fact that were also a little pissed at me- the bitch who left them. Understandable, but nonetheless somewhat heartbreaking. When your dog, the one who has always jumped up and down at the sight of you instead is giving you the side-eye, you'll know what I mean.

The moment we pulled into my drive and I stepped foot into the last place I called home before I decided to "become an adult" or whatever, my heart sank to my stomach. It looked so much smaller. My mom told me to, "Hold on! Wait here!" before walking into my old room. After waiting a few seconds, she told me to come in and then shouted, "Ta-da!"

She had completely redone my old room. New paint, new bedspread, new art on the walls, candles everywhere, and the furniture completely rearranged. It was beautiful, I actually couldn't help but wonder why I had never done it that way myself, but it also made me a little sad. It wasn't really my room anymore.

I was afraid that my first night away from Jason would be tough, but after celebratory champagne and In N Out with my mom and my best friend (also considering the fact that it was about 4 AM East Coast time), I fell into a deep sleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.

The days that followed went by in a blur. I expected that to happen though, for it go by far too quickly. I spent time with my grandparents, my aunt and uncle, my baby cousin, my dad, my friends, and mostly my mom. I got to do my favorite "California things" like go to Newport Beach, go to an Angel's game, drive up to the mountains, go shopping, lay by the pool, eat Mexican food, and so on... While I was busy with all of those activities, I was also blessed with plenty of downtime as well. Time to just sit and talk for hours on end with the people I'm closest to. I learned how healing and grounding it is to be able to let your guard down and just be close to those who matter most to you. I never realized how grateful I am for such a crazy and close family until I had to live without them.

My last night home, before I had to wake up at 3 AM to go back to the airport, hit me like a ton of bricks. One minute I was sitting in my kitchen, drinking wine, laughing at something silly with my best friend and my mom, and the very next I was openly sobbing into my wine glass. My dog, Honey Bunny, crawled into my lap and stayed there, kissing my tears away, for over an hour.

Moving away from everyone and everything you've ever known is not at all for the faint of heart. It does, however, make you appreciate your loved ones more than you thought possible. It allows you to feel small (in a good way) because maybe for the first time in your life you understand how big this world really is. And while leaving home the second time was surprisingly harder than the first, simply knowing that when my big adventure is over, I'll have a home to go back to... Well, that just makes it all the more worthwhile.

Oh and my new fiancé picking me up from the airport with a dozen pink roses didn't really suck either.

The best day.

May 3rd, 2015 at 4:06 PM was the single greatest moment in the single greatest day of my entire life.

I was in Central Park, New York City- my favorite place in the world. It was a beautiful spring Sunday afternoon with not a cloud in the sky. The breeze was blowing through the fully bloomed trees, and grass, flowers, and greenery all around me. 

I was standing near a pond and next to what is now my favorite bridge in the park, watching the ducks swim, with the love of my life. 

I was calm, content, and grateful for such a beautiful day.

Then, suddenly, my best friend, my soul mate... He turned to face me and slowly got down on one knee. Before my heart could catch up with my head to figure out what was going on, he pulled out of his pocket a small, black box.

My hands flew to my mouth as my jaw dropped in shock and I couldn't breathe.

"Taylor Worthey," he said, tears filling his big, brown eyes, "Will you marry me?"

The whole world had gone quiet and all that was real was me and him.

Tears filled my eyes and I believe my exact words in response were, "Yes! Oh my God! Yes! Yes!"

I pulled the ring from the box and shoved it on my finger without even looking at it. 

I grabbed my fiancé's face and he stood up, wrapping his arms around me and smiling. We kissed, and laughed, and cried, and kissed some more.

He scolded me for not even looking at the ring and when I finally did I realized it was perfect. Exactly what I had always imagined it would be. Just as was this monumental moment.

The best person I know, the best thing that has ever happened to me... And he asked me to be his, forever.

We lied in the grass together in Central Park for nearly an hour, soaking in our engagement and daydreaming about all that is now to come.

All I can do now is smile, and thank God, and stare- incessantly- at my left hand.

To everything there is a season.

I wrote about the winter and the majesty that is heavy snowfall (to a born and raised California girl, at least) and now I feel it necessary to write about the spring.

I've never in my life experienced drastic season changes. In California, we have one season year-round: beautiful. And while I do find myself missing that constantly perfect California sunshine, I am truly enjoying getting to see the seasons change. After the snow melted and everything was just plain dead for awhile, I figured it would take quite some time before my new world started turning green. Much to my surprise, however, this new world of which I've found myself took less than a month to come alive. It gets more and more beautiful every day; with cherry blossoms and flowers sprouting up all over the place practically overnight.

This newfound drastic change of seasons has gotten me thinking about the seasons in our lives. (And yes, it got me singing, "To everything turn, turn, turn, there is a season, turn, turn, turn...") 

Think back on your life, on all of the people you have been. It's amazing to think that just from year to year, not to mention every 5 years or so, how different we become. If somebody one year ago would have told me I'd be where I am today, I'm not sure I would have believed them. If they told me just two years ago, I definitely wouldn't have. 

Our lives are like a giant book and every thing we go through, every inner-change we grow in to, becomes a chapter in that book. And the funny thing about it is that looking back on the chapters in our lives, one at a time, we (well, maybe I can only speak for myself, but I digress...) truly believe that we know how things are going to turn out in the chapters to come. Although, the truth of it is that what we believe is going to happen, usually doesn't. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse, but always it's for a reason.

I know, I know. How more cliché could I possibly get? The whole everything happens for a reason bit... But it's true! It does! And I haven't always believed that, either, which just goes to prove my "different people in our different chapters" theory. If something terrible were to happen to me or someone close to me, I would think, "What reason could this possibly be for?" But the older I've gotten, the more and more that I've learned every little detail that is bestowed upon us in our lives is part of a bigger plan, much bigger than anything we could dream up for ourselves. God's plan.

A quick example: If my parent's wouldn't have split up when I was very young, if I wouldn't have gotten my heart broken by the first boy I loved, if I hadn't have gone through all that I did because of and in light of the hardships in my life... I never would have been the me that I was when my Jason came along. Therefore, I never would have had the bravery and the appreciation and the belief in love that I had in order to open my heart to him.

Here's one more: If Jason hadn't been so driven by all that he went through in his childhood, put himself through college, worked his ass off, and gotten a job at a major plastics company... he never would have been able to take a job in California. If he hadn't have chosen the California location (out of FIFTY others)... we never even would have met.

Last one: If all of the above hadn't have happened... Jason and I never would have found each other, the people we had always been meant for, we never would have fallen in love, and we certainly wouldn't currently be living out the adventure of our lifetime right this very second.

This has been the hardest three months of my entire life. I miss my family so much and I know that I have put a strain on them as I hear them tell me often how much they wish I was back home. This decision was not one that only changed the course of my life, but it catastrophically changed the course of the lives of those all around me as well. This is a new chapter, a new season, for all of us.

And though it has broken my heart in ways I didn't know were even possible, it has also brought to life parts of myself that I didn't even know were there. 

And to think... I'm only on month 4 of 24, with many a chapter and many a season to go.

'Til the next one.

Xx