Why I'm Not "Too Young To Get Married"

Recently, someone in my life told me that I am "too young to get married". They did so half-jokingly, and I'm sure their intention wasn't to hurt my feelings, and they didn't.

It just got me to thinking that this person is probably one of many who is or has thought the same thing. And these people are totally entitled to their opinion...

But here's why they're wrong.

First of all, I'm almost 25 years old. My fiancé, almost 28. So, there's that.  

Second, my fiancé and I have wanted to be married for 4-5 years before we start our family and trying to have children. We feel it's really important for us that we have a few "selfish years" in our marriage. And here's what I mean by that...

Marriage is a big deal. That fact is not lost on me. Being the child of not one, but two divorces--- I know exactly how big a deal it is. Marriage between two people is also based solely in the two people who are married. Crazy, I know! It doesn't revolve around the two people's parents, or family members, or co-workers, or friends... It revolves around the two people who are married. 

My fiancé and I want to establish ourselves as husband and wife, as a team and a partnership, before we have kids. We want to have our feet firmly planted on the ground as husband and wife. Not only that, but we want to use that partnership to enrich each other, not only as a team, but as individuals. We want to travel. A LOT. We want to see the world and go on adventures. We want to make mistakes and learn from them. We want to go out and go dancing on the weekends. We want to have careers that instill confidence within ourselves and allow us to do the things we love. We want to stay up late on Saturday nights and sleep in late on Sunday mornings. We want to watch movies with curse words in them and go on spontaneous weekend trips. 

We want to be selfish. 

And we want to be married while we are.

All of this isn't to say that once we have kids, we won't be able to do these things. But once we have kids, they will be our world. We will no longer be selfish because we won't want to be. 

So often in life we do something so that we can get to the next thing.We go to high school so we can go to college. We go to college so we can get a good job and get promoted and make more money. We want to meet someone so we can get married and have a wedding and buy a house and have kids... 

So often in life we forget to actually live while we're doing these things. We're all guilty of that, myself included.

But when it comes to my marriage, something that I take more seriously than almost anyone I've ever met, I don't want to just get to the next part. I want to live in my marriage. I want to relish in the moments--good and bad--of being married. I want some time to learn how to be a good wife before I have to start learning how to be a good mom.

And for the record--- as excited as I am about my wedding day, and as many butterflies as I get when I practice my vows in my head before I go to sleep at night, my wedding day is not why I'm getting married. 

The thing that I daydream about even more than that one day... is all the days that will follow. The days when I will get to say, "Hey, this is my husband!" And hear him say, "Have you met my wife?" The days when I will get to sign my name "Taylor Paris". The days when we go out to eat and I'll get butterflies as I sit across the table staring at the ring on his left finger. The day when we find out we're going to have a family of our own. The days when I will wake up on a Sunday morning with my own little family running around, jumping on the bed. The days when I'll think to myself how thankful I am to be in love with my best friend, and how wonderful it is that we created something so beautiful, so full of love, and so ours.

While it may not be "the norm", I've been preparing for my marriage since I was a little kid. I used to think to myself that most of my friends couldn't even quite appreciate just yet how blessed they were to have two parents under one roof. 

And just to be clear, I'm not knocking my parents or my childhood in the least. My mom is one of the best there is and raised me with grace in the face of all she went through as a single parent. I am who I am today because of my parent's constant love and encouragement. I treasure marriage in the way that I do because of what I saw them go through. Not in spite of it.

Marriage is a beautiful bond between two people. It's getting to choose your family. It's having someone next to you throughout all the ups and downs of life. It's growing and changing and learning with someone who is doing the same. It's saying "Goodnight, I love you" before bed, and sleeping soundly because you can feel their warmth next to you. 

I'm not too young to get married 

because I'm an eighty year old woman in a 24 year old body.

I'm not too young to get married 

because I value, so whole-heartedly, just what marriage is.

I'm not too young to get married 

because I fall even more head-over-heels in love with my other half every single day.

I'm not too young to get married 

because I've been praying to God since I was a little girl to send me my soul mate,
and now I pray to thank Him for it.

I'm not too young to get married 

because I love my fiancé so much that my heart aches in my chest if I think about it for too long.

I'm not too young to get married 

because love doesn't put into little boxes just when what should happen over the course of our lives.

And honestly... who are we to argue with love?

"Do no harm."

As a Business major, and as someone who just doesn't exactly like the whole mathematical-black and white-scientific way of thinking, from time to time I find myself taking pieces of information said in class that relate to business and relating them to other things instead. Like, the English major that I was going to be originally. (Just not as lucrative, ya know?)

In my Management Information Systems class the other day, my Professor brought up the motto and policy of Google. He said that it's very simple and incredibly universal-- "Do no harm."

(Upon further research, I see that it is also stated as "Don't be evil." But, you know, same thing. "Do no harm" has a better ring.)

"Do no harm."

So straight-forward. So simple. Yet, so applicable to not only running a company, but also an excellent motto to run your whole life on---- "Do no harm."

I haven't been able to get it out of my head and it has made me reflect upon my own life and the way that I lead it. With the exception of needing to recycle a little more and the fact that I probably yell at Jason for leaving his socks on the floor too much, for the most part, I don't do harm to the world around me. (I might do a little harm to my body, but hey-- pizza is delicious and wine has grapes in it and okay, whatever, it's part of my New Year's resolution to treat my body better. I'm workin' on it.)

It's so important to stay focused on your path and to be kind to those around you along the way. It's also really important, and also, in my humble opinion-- really overlooked, to be kind to yourself as well. As soon as you start doing harm-- to yourself, to your friends or family, to the stranger on the road who cut you off and you cursed out-- it impacts your life in a negative way. It causes you to feel just slightly more introverted, just slightly more resentful, just slightly more self-centered.

"Do no harm."

Live with grace. Take the high road, no matter how much it sucks sometimes. Read a book before bed instead of watching TV every once in a while. Go on a hike. Breathe. Smile. Listen to some music.

Life is hard, you know. Sometimes you're walking around, happy as a clam, dancing to that new Bruno Mars song and BAM--- life smacks you dead in the face. It hurts. You're stunned for a moment, knowing you're about to feel the sting, but not quite able to process what just happened. And then it comes. The sting.

Life stings, sometimes.

Life has stung for me since about midnight on New Year's Eve. On the Eve of the year that I am going to finish college. On the Eve of the year that I am going to get married. And life was all like, BAM--- no more dancing for you. Nope. You're going to spend midnight on the floor of your bathroom having a panic attack and breaking out in hives.

I'm nearly 25 years old and I'm realizing that as much as I've learned in my life, there's always going to be certain things that I just don't understand. There's always going to be obstacles. There's always going to be something there making you stronger, no matter how many times you tell that something that you're as strong as you want to be, dammit. This past week, I've been dealing with one of the hardest stings of my life. And I'm still dealing with it. I'm still anxious. Still unsure. Still lathering myself in lavender oil every night before bed, praying for some sleep. Still not quite standing strong on my own two feet.

And then I go to class and my Professor tells us this motto.

"Do no harm."

There's things happening in my life right now that I just can't possibly control. I won't ever be able to. There's things that make me anxious, make me cringe every time my phone goes off... but there's one thing I can do.

I can do no harm.

Christmas reflecting and Resolutions.

Christmas is over and I am supposed to be cleaning my apartment right now to prepare for the New Year's Eve party that we are supposed to have in two days. Having a week between Christmas and New Years is kind of nice, when you think about it. Usually, if you're like me, you have a little break and a little time to yourself to slowly say goodbye to your favorite time of year.

Christmas always comes so fast, but it comes just a little bit faster the older I get. Seriously-- Christmas got here in what seemed like only a month or two after it had just passed. Isn't that strange how that happens?

It's always just a little bit different, too. The people around you are a little different, the decorations in the boxes you've always had seem a little bit different, and you- yourself- are usually a little bit different, too.

I miss New York. (I don't miss New Jersey.) But I miss New York. I miss the hustle and bustle of people. The sharp cold on my cheeks. The feeling of Jason beside me as we wander down 5th Avenue. But I am so grateful for that time. In fact, it still feels like a dream. And I know that what I had with my city is a big part of the reason why I am who I am today-- this Christmas.

And next Christmas-- boy, oh boy! I am going to be MARRIED. Married, I tell you! I am going to be Taylor Christine Paris, and wife to the love of my life. If I thought Christmas felt different this year, I can only imagine what it will feel like then... And oh, how I love to imagine it.

I am so excited about the wedding. My family and friends are, too, and we're getting to that sweet spot in the planning process where just about 80% of all conversations revolve around the wedding. However, I'm surprising myself by how much more I think about what is going to come after the wedding. And no, I don't just mean the Honeymoon. I'm surprising myself because even though my thoughts drift to the wedding day and my dress and so on, quite often... They drift even more to what will come afterwards. The marriage. I am so excited to be married to my best friend. To get to say, "Oh, hi! Hello! This is my husband, Jason." To hear him say, "Have you met my wife?"

I'm so excited to get a house, and make it our own. To travel to Europe together, hopefully quite often. To get a dog, hopefully a Golden. And to start a family of our own. Growing old doesn't even seem so bad, knowing that Jason will be getting just as old right along side me.

Now, among all of this reflecting on both the present and the past-- I've, of course, been also planning my New Year's Resolutions. And here they are...

1. Get toned and stay slim for the wedding.

Because, cliché. I hadn't even realized how much weight I gained on the East Coast until I moved home and lost it, and then lost some more. I am more comfortable in my body than I maybe ever have been, and here's hoping I can keep it that way. It would also be nice to have some sexy, toned arms because I'm planning on a strapless, sweetheart wedding dress and ya girl wants to look goooood.

2. Read more.

When we lived in Jersey, I read CONSTANTLY. At one point I read seven books in one week. Seven. It was fantastic. I've always been an avid reader, but I had reached an all-time high at that point. Since we moved home, however, I haven't been making the time. Reading is so important. Getting lost in a good book is such a wonderful gift. No more taking that for granted.

3. Write more.

Yes, on this blog of course, but in general as well. I started my second novel in Jersey and I want to finish it. If only to see what happens because it's getting pretty good.

4. Grow my YouTube channel.

This is a hard one for me to even type, because to be frank-- it just makes me feel lame. In fact, I go back and forth between feeling completely lame and totally awesome every time I post a video. But I love the YouTube community and I love that people can make a living doing what they love. I want to be one of those people. Making videos is fun, no matter how many times that little voice in my head tells me it's stupid.

5. Do one (or more) spontaneous and romantic thing with Jason every single month.

When we lived in Jersey, it was just us two. We struggled with it from time to time, we got lonely. We missed our friends and going out with people or having them come over. But we also did really well on our own. We became closer than ever and bonded in a way that I've never bonded with anyone. It was truly a blessing. Now that we're back, we've lost that a little bit and we both miss it. We want to please everyone and never want to say "no" when we're asked to do something with someone because we spent so much time away. But it's important we make time for ourselves, too. The connection we share is too precious to be overlooked.

So that's it! I think these are reasonable resolutions and I look forward to checking them in what will feel like 5 minutes from now to see if I achieved them.

Happy Holidays and many blessings to you and yours in the New Year!

With love always,

City Girl from Cali

Beautiful chaos.

So... it's been awhile. 4 months with no posting is simply unacceptable and I apologize. But, in my defense, it's been a wild 4 months.

Last you heard from me, I was still an inhabitant of New Jersey and somewhat bitterly, with a sprinkle of cleverness (maybe?), attempted to make light of the twist and turns that consumed my life whilst living there. Well, let's catch up.

Jason and I now live in California again. We found a cute apartment, unpacked our things and our cat, and have been settling in here. I'm not going to lie; I miss our old apartment sometimes. I think mostly just because it was our first home together and so many memories were made there-- good and bad. But now, as is life, we have entered a new chapter and it took a few months, but we are finally getting into our new groove.

We've seen all of our family and friends numerous times and have seemingly scooted ourselves back in to our old lives, but in a new way. (If that makes sense.)

The wedding planning is full-fledged now. We have a venue, food, alcohol, a DJ, and a photographer. All of which happened within the same week. Not stressful at all. Just a few more grey hairs. It's fine.

No, but seriously... it makes the fact that we're getting married feel so much more real. I realized that when we got engaged last May, we were so far from everyone that by the time we saw them in person-- it was as if it was "old news" for them and not all that exciting. I mean, I wasn't expecting anyone to jump and down over it (or maybe I was), but a little bit more enthusiasm would have been nice.

Now, here we are, over a year later and we have a date. We know exactly when and where we're going to say our vows. (September 17th, 2017 at 4 pm, OMG.) We know who is going to play the music and who is going to take the pictures. And suddenly this idea of getting married has become a shocking and beautiful reality and I get butterflies in my stomach every time I think about it.

There is so many unknowns in the air right. Including, but not limited to, the fact that we were screwed over by a selfish and immoral woman at the bank making it much more difficult for us to figure out how we're going to pay for this humongous, life-altering event.

When we were in Jersey, all we had to worry about was ourselves, which was admittedly lonely at times-- but it had its perks. It was easier than trying to juggle the personalities of everyone you know and love on a day-to-day basis.

I am officially a senior in college and loving every second of my time at my new school. The professors, the trees in the quad, and the fact that it's a simple 20 minute drive away versus a 2 hour train ride. But that doesn't mean that school is easy, either. It's a LOT of work.

And still, in the face of all of this, Jason and I are happier than ever.

My grandpa told Jason, warming my heart as he put his arm around him and I watched two of the most important men in my life share a moment together, "This is a beautiful time in your life, you guys. Soak in every second of it."

And soak, we will.

Good enough.

Well, hello again. And let me begin this post by saying that I have absolutely no idea what I want to write about, I just know that I need to write.

Yesterday I applied to another scholarship and one of the questions I had to write an essay for asked who my role model is. It wanted me to detail why that person is my role model and how they will contribute to my future success. This is what I wrote:

I have many role models in my life: my mother, my grandfather, and my best friend. However, upon reading this question, the first person that came to mind is the one that I will get to call my husband in exactly one year. My fiancé Jason inspires me every single day and has done so since we began our journey together three years ago. He, like so many others, has endured far too much tragedy in his life. His father was in a serious accident that many said he would not walk away from when Jason was only a toddler and the man is a walking miracle to this day. Jason then lost his mother at the mere age of twelve years old. He could have let this break him. He could have let it consume him, as so many in his shoes would have. But he didn't. He was living on his own, working every day until midnight, playing on a championship hockey team, and going to high school at only seventeen. From there, he went on to college and spent the money left to him by his mother in a way that would better his future. He took eighteen units every semester, worked internships full-time every summer, and graduated in four years with his Bachelors in Engineering. He already had a job before graduation and has gotten two promotions in four years at one of the top manufacturing plastics companies in the country. In the face of all that he had been through, he didn't use it as an excuse to give up on life, but rather-- he used it fuel his success. I watch him get to do what he loves every single day and it's an inspiration. He is the most hard-working and determined person that I know, going into work early every day and leaving late every night. When I begin my career upon graduating, whatever that career may be, I hope to embody the same amount of hard work and determination that he always has and continues to.

When I read it to Jason last night, he thanked me, shook his head, and told me how strange it is to hear someone talk about him like that. He also said how much he loves the way that I write.

He said something else, though. He said something that made me realize not only is this man determined when it comes to his career, but he's also determined in that he's insistent upon finding ways to better ourselves. He sees things that I don't always see myself. He said that I write a lot differently than the way that I sometimes portray myself in my day-to-day life. "How so?" I asked, taken aback. He said, "You're very strong and sure of yourself when you write... (But you allow life to intimidate you at times.)" I was about to show him just how sure of myself I am with a snappy comeback when he continued, "You're going to do great things, babe," he said. "Really great things." 

It got me thinking... I was about to let his comment offend me when I realized that he's kind of right. Sure, I have my moments when I'm just as strong and sure of myself in my real life as I am in my writing, but I also have my moments when I fall short of that. It made me ask myself... Why? Why is it that when I sit down to write I seem to have all of my shit together, but when it comes to making my way through life I tend to second-guess myself?

Then I got to thinking that maybe we all are that way... We all have something about us that we're good at, something that makes us feel strong and sure of ourselves and confident. Writing, and even music, are two of those things for me. So then how do I take that feeling and transfer it into my every day life? How do I harbor the instincts I feel when I sit down to write something and use them for everything? 

For example, over the past couple of weeks I've been struggling a little bit with some personal things. No where near the kind of struggling I did going in and out of the city everyday for the past year; this struggling has been done from the comfort of my own home. However, through all of my struggling, I haven't felt inspired enough to sit down and write about it. Which is always, ironically, the thing that helps me through it the most.

I may be rambling at this point, so if you're still reading this... I applaud you. I guess I'm just learning more and more about myself lately than I have ever. 

The ebb and flow of life has gotten me down. Something happened that I can't stop thinking about and then I feel guilty for thinking about it and then I start thinking about it again and then I feel like I should be happier than I am because I'm so, so blessed and then I feel guilty about that and it's become this vicious cycle I'm trying so desperately to break...

And then I drink a glass of wine and the voices cease for a bit. (Okay, I'm kidding. Sort of.) 

But, seriously... why are we so hard on ourselves? As human beings, we tend to overthink every situation turning on ourselves with that ever-persistant inner voice that chides, "YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH." We do this instead of embracing the parts of ourselves that make us strong and sure and confident. 

I think it's time I focus on the parts of me that I love. The parts that make me feel good about myself. It's easy to blame hard things that we go through on others, but in reality-- we are our own worst enemy. That's the scary truth. A truth that needs to be told and retold and retold again every single day, no matter how hard it may be to hear it. 

So every time I hear that voice, I'm going to remember one thing... One very important thing.

I am good enough. And so are you.

Xoxo,

City Girl from Cali

Whirlwind that is my life.

It's been two months since my last post. Two. Whole. Months. Of. Hell. Hence, the no-post situation.

From my previous posts, I think you can start to see a very distinct pattern of misery, but it was certainly not full-fledged misery just yet. The misery was only just getting started. My already difficult semester went from bad to worse very, very quickly.

I lost myself. Unless you consider the weight I started gaining, "gaining" myself, but I don't. I got so depressed and so homesick in these last couple of months. My professors didn't care about the classes they were teaching and my fellow classmates cared even less. I, on the other hand, seemed to be doing all of the caring for everybody and was studying more and harder than ever... Only to be rewarded by the worse grades I've ever gotten in my life. C's and D's... and even (gasp) an F.

I was off my game.

In addition to that, however, so was everything and everyone else around me, which was definitely a contributing factor in the mess that had become my life. I was missing trains, exhausted, and so undeniably spent.

There was sweat, blood, AND plenty of tears... but I made it through. I made it through with straight B's. Not the best grades I've ever gotten, but certainly could have been worse given the circumstances.

Now, despite this unusually gloomy weather we've been having for the past month or so, I feel like I'm on the world's best vacation in comparison. The first week of my summer vacation is complete and I couldn't be happier. I got into the school I applied to in California and my only job this summer is to apply for scholarships, set up my schedule, and take care of my mind, body, and spirit while I wait for the next chapter to start.

Jason and I move back to California on August 1st. 4 days before the 1 year mark until our wedding day. 6 days before our three-year anniversary. 7 days before Jason's 26th birthday. And 24 days before my 24th birthday.

Wow.

What a whirlwind my life has been since I started this blog nearly a year and 4 months ago already.

I've learned and grown so much more than I even know how to put into words at this point... Words that I know will come the more time that I get to spend recuperating from all that I've been through.

I like to think that I've always tried to be the best that I can be at all times. Even when I fell short of what was right, or let my naivety get the best of me, I still truly believe I've always strove for my best self. This year was no different, but I was tested in ways that I never had been before and just like in anything else in life-- when we're tested, we grow. When we grow, it hurts. If it hurts, you're doing something right. You're living.

And that's all we can ever really ask for.

Love and light...

xx,
City Girl from Cali

You DO got this.

It's Monday again. The alarm clock goes off loudly, vibrating mockingly, next to my head. Groggily I hit "snooze" and can already feel that my eyes are swollen again. Why is it that I hit the ripe old age of 23 and suddenly I have skin issues, baggy eyes, and a grey hair that won't leave me alone no matter how many times I rip it from my scalp? When did I get so old?

Jason rolls over and pulls me into him. We both sigh. Then we spend the next ten minutes as we spend the first ten minutes of all our days-- trying to pretend that we don't, in fact, have responsibilities and can stay laying like this all day long. When the alarm goes off again, we both groan in annoyance, give each other a quick kiss, and pull ourselves out from the delicousness of the crisp, white sheets to feed the cat, turn on the coffee maker, and start our day. 

After washing my face and pulling myself together, I give myself my daily pep-talk. "Alright, Taylor. You can do this. You got this." Then that little voice... But I'm tired. I miss home. It's so cold here. "I know, I know. But you'll be home soon enough. Try and appreciate this time while it's still here because deep down you know that a small part of you will miss your big adventure. Now, baby steps... Pour yourself some coffee. Moisturize. Make some oatmeal. Curl your hair. Put a little make-up on. Choose something cute to wear. And smile... Today is going to be a good day."

I have this similar pep-talk with myself every single morning. Sometimes, it works. Others, it doesn't. Sometimes, I stay positive even when the snow rips parts of my car from itself, the train runs on a different schedule for whatever reason and causes me to be late to my first class, or even when I didn't check whether or not it was going to rain, forgot my umbrella, and didn't wear enough layers. Sometimes, I can even stay positive when the abrasive girl who always sits next to me in MIS (because she likes to copy my work) says something rude, demands I let her take a picture of my notes, and drops my notepad without saying "sorry" or attempting to pick it up. Sometimes, I can stay positive when my Econ professor gives me 0 on a homework assignment, a grade I clearly had not deserved, I try to talk to him about it, but because he's from New Jersey and no one here is allowed to be wrong or humbled, only gives me a mere 3 points for fear of completely losing his dignity. Sometimes, I can stay positive through all of that. 

Sometimes I can't.

Sometimes it hits me that moving across the country and going on this gigantic adventure has been a series of severe highs and severe lows. And sometimes when I ask myself if it's all worth it, I say no. But sometimes I say yes.

So... Then... What? 

So... Then... I keep moving. I work through the lows in the hopes that another high is lurking just around the corner. No, I don't mean a drug-induced high. I mean a life-induced high. Because that's what living is all about. This experience may not be everything that I had hoped. In fact, most of the time it's far from it. But sometimes... Every once in a while... It's so much more. It's more because I'm living. Maybe for the first time in my life.

And then, every once in a while, snow doesn't rip anything off of my car and it's a full 20 degrees warmer than yesterday. I surprise myself when 45 degrees feels "warm". I look in the mirror and see a girl who is brave, strong, and let her hair grow (finally). And it looks good long. Why did I never let it grow before? Sometimes I come across a rare happy, smililing, face on the train who takes my ticket and says, "Thank ya, darlin'!" And sometimes, on a really clear morning, I'll be sitting on the light rail and look to my left to find that glorious Empire State Building, standing as tall as ever, winking at me in the rising sun as if to say, "You DO got this, Taylor. You DO got this."

All for now... As always, thanks for reading.

Xoxo, 

City Girl from Cali